November 3, 2009. I watched a movie with my mom. Well i laid in the recliner next to her hospital bed while she lay dying. I can't tell you what movie we watched. Only that i was unashamed to hold her hand, to love her, to tell her everything i had been meaning to tell her.
I stayed the night out of love, out of fear, out of sorrow, our of guilt, out of need, out of desire to be there for her, out of each and every messy and beautiful thing that made up our relationship.
My brother was mad. He thought i did it to be selfish. Maybe. But i think i did it because i had to. Because no one should take their last breaths alone if someone can stay. Because people, well, people are made for each other. For relationship. I didn't know that then. But i knew i had to stay. So i did.
The aftermath was horrible. I couldn't process the grief, so i turned on myself. See losing my mom was one of my greatest fears. so when she got sick, i pulled back. And then. The woman who loved me no matter what was gone. In an instant. And no one else loved me like that. No one could. That's the thing about moms. At least that's how my mom was. I know i was blessed there.
It took me a long time to move out of the grief. The self destructive grief anyway. And still it will hit me from time to time. But now i know where to turn. Not in, but up. It makes a difference. Now i can listen to the song she always sang to me and remember her. To feel her. To know that i had the perfect mom for me. And to smile through my tears. A part of me will always grieve, but there is song in the grief too. Because i wasn't just her sunshine, she was mine too.
This week is scary. Because that's the thing about love. About relationship. You can lose it. In an instant. So give it all. Let go of any pride or bitterness or need to be seen and give what you have. All of it. Whatever you can. And then a little more.
Because in the end, it doesn't belong to you. It doesn't belong to any of us. We are loved so we can love. Period.
Wasn't she beautiful?
